Today I am wondering what’s the point in my reattempt to have a child, this time through IVF. I am waiting in the car, between my pre 9 am blood test and 10:15 scan. This will be my third scan. On my first and second scans only 6 follicles were visible. Let alone the low number they aren’t exactly smashing it out of the ball park in size. I am on 450ml of the follicle stimulating hormone, Puregon, the maximum amount tested by the manufacturers.
I am wondering if this will be the defining scan that will conclude my body is not responding and the IVF cycle will be cancelled. The specialist was unsure how it would go, and perhaps this will be the indication that my body is in the diminished ovarian reserve stage rather than just having a low ovarian reserve.
Is this the event that will mark the end of my chances of ever having a baby? It feels like it. So as I sit waiting for the scan with bruising on my stomach from the injections, a metallic taste in my mouth, lethargic and feeling like I really don’t want to be here I wonder if now my wanting a child is just false hope and in fact I am just beating a dead horse.
I am already starting to feel that grief again, that ‘hard to explain to others’ sense of loss where you look at the years ahead knowing that they won’t be filled with that motherhood experience, that you’ll never get to cuddle and love your own child. I have had to come to terms with this outcome before, and I know I will be able to cope with it again.
Right now in this moment, theoretically I know that motherhood is not a compulsory for obtaining a completely fulfilled life, but at times like this when that want is so strong and that hope that ‘one day’ seems to be crashing down…well I need to go a little deeper in my faith, to seek that clarity in my heart again.